How CPTSD makes me personalize everything how I can stop trauma responding

 Hi friends. I'm calm now after yesterday's rather upsetting day. And reviewing the problems, I see that yes, certain people were acting self-centered and biotchy, but no it wasn't personal. And then I realize, heartbreakingly how and why CPTSD from dark tetrad parent abuse, makes me personalize all nasty behavior. And everyone's issues. And how, if they don't watch themselves, others who know this about me can and do weaponize that.

First, why it's so difficult and heartbreaking. There's a trifecta of reasons. First it's sad that I had to experience narcissistic dark tetrad abuse and develop all these frigging dysfunctional trauma responses in the first place. It's also sad that people will sometimes trigger that with their similar behavior. And third that I can't separate and go into trauma mode. And fourth that I will never really be able to make people who haven't experienced it, understand. I will be forever stuck in a loop of shame, fear and trauma that I can't communicate. So yes, there are four. Bonus added misery. 

You know if you've followed this blog how my dark tetrad parents abused, neglected, exploited, endangered, abandoned, invalidated, triangulated, shamed, scapegoated, infantilized, parentified and gaslit me all my life. It took me 59 years to realize that is was that bad. So to survive, I developed a bunch of weird, disturbing coping mechanisms, like freezing, blanking out, fawning, people pleasing, lying for them, covering, gaslighting myself that it didn't happen, on and on. 

In my now life, I have more loving people who want to help. But they have their own issues and sometimes they spew them out onto me. Well, that's to be expected. Life isn't perfect and people aren't caricatures, hero, villain, damsel in distress, etc. We have bright and dark sides and behavior. You buy the  package. 

But if you're a trauma first responder like me, nothing is ever easy. You can't just ignore them or even really help because it sends all your unhealthy responses into overdrive. And not just from memories of abuse. From your dark tetrad parents' systematic brainwashing that you exist only to serve them. If they need a fall girl, which their selfish, manipulative, malignant, irresponsible, chaotic behavior often requires, it's you. 

I can't detach because I was never allowed to. Hell it was dangerous not to fawn. My narcissistic dad would hint to his demanding, lazy, narcissistic wife, whenever she got pissy about something, that "maybe Mary could fix it." I was 12 and she got pissy a lot. Whenever my mom, dad or their spouses got upset, I was the target. This is how they protected their delusions of grandeur. So I had to personalize, shoulder the burden, carry the can and rush to fix, every crazy thing they put on me if I knew what was good for me. 

However, my spouse (the one who sometimes acts like a narc but is generally a lovely person) did not. He was raised by parents who taught him to take care of himself. That he mattered. They empowered him to take no shit and stand up for himself. They loved him. Imperfectly, albeit (well, they were human) but they tried. And they did not put all their problems on him and expect him to fix them, like mine did. They acted like parents, not Dementors. 

So we come at life from very different perspectives. I come at it armed with trauma responses that I haul out every time anyone needs them. It's what I do. Just part of my job. You're welcome. Whether you wanted it or not. You probably didn't, in fact. And you wonder why this weird lady in a firefighter hat is spraying her hose everywhere when you never called the fire dept. 

Yeah, we trauma responders come on strong and often freak people out. Sorry. And that is the last sad thing I mentioned. No one who has not experienced will ever understand why. We just look like lunatics escaped from the asylum. We don't even realize how our responses are activated. And we certainly don't get that if there really is a fire, it's yours to put out or not, not ours. We just douse you down, because we always had to do, regardless of how we got burned in the process. 

We have been conditioned to jump whenever they said to. We're shell shocked and exhausted from being on  patrol 24/7/365. We're a mess, covered in other people's soot and ashes. And then they who conditioned us, laugh because we look so ridiculous. And gaslight us that we're (wait for the narcissist refrain) "overreacting, dramatizing, too sensitive, showing off, attention seeking, can't take a joke." 

Well, as one of my wise young students once said, "calling 911 is no joke." But that's just what they've been doing to us all our lives, pulling the fire alarm for a prank. There never was a real emergency, just some petty, stupid thing they got their knickers into a twist over. And we wouldn't have been able to fix it no matter how hard we tried. But we don't know that. Nor do we know that it is not our job to put out everyone else's self-started fires. That responsibility lies with the firestarter. 

So you can probably see how my willingness to put out fires I didn't start, is easily weaponized, sometimes accidentally. If someone is willing to play scapegoat, the person who really owns the problem may, if they are feeling selfish, allow her to do that. They may, if they're not careful, make her think they blame her and that she is responsible. And because she doesn't know any other role than scapegoat and because it was dangerous not to play it, she falls right into the part. 

And those who have not been made to play fireman constantly do not get it. They don't feel  responsible to fix everyone else's problems. They may offer assistance but they don't have that sick sense of dreadful, terrifying urgency. That pit of your stomach, sucker-punch shame that knocks the wind out of you and keeps you in chains to other people's whims. They have none of that. Thank God. It's miserable way to exist and no kind of life for anyone. Least of all a child. 

They think they are spouting off and don't realize, because they don't experience it, that they are triggering the trauma responder like 4th of July. Or they won't realize it because it's convenient to have a whipping girl take on their drama. I'm sure, being human there's a bit of both. So what the whipping girl needs to do, regardless, is to step away from the pillory. 

I don't owe anyone my back to stripe. I may feel chained up because my dark tetrad parents so enmeshed themselves in me as to strip me of a life of my own. But I'm not. I can put down the fire hose and take off the hat any time I wish. My dear husband said as much. He was shocked to find that I felt responsible for his issues. (He shouldn't have been but yanno, again, no one's perfect). He said, "you do know that my behavior isn't your fault, right?"

Well, no, I don't. YOU know that others' behavior isn't your fault because you were taught so. And I wasn't. Which was a good learning experience for him to maybe be a leetle more careful about making it look and sound as if he holds me responsible. To keep his own angst in check a bit more. Not just for my sake but his own. 

Those who would love a trauma responder must tread carefully with her. They must step outside their experience zone and put themselves in her moccasins for a few KM. Yep that requires another blog post for sure. 

Love you all. 

Crazy-Making Polar opposite double standards of narcissists

 Hi friends. Wow, am I on a roll today, with three posts! Lucky you (lol) I'm dealing with some very challenging button-pushing behavior from some people in my life right now. And it triggers all the trauma responses I learned as a kid. So, in hopes of avoiding dysregulation, a place I've too frequently gone, I'm going to write it out. What I'm dealing with is a ton of crazy-making, polar opposite double standards from someone who while they may not be a narcissist is giving a very good impression of one. 

1) Narc can give cold shoulder but you better not grey-rock. What I mean is that they can be standoffish, rude, distant, cold, insensitive, unkind, abrasive, quite nasty all they want. But don't you dare do something which is healthy for both of you and calmly detach. 

2) Narc who is rude regularly must never experience what they deem as rudeness from others. After just another difficult night with CPTSD nightmares (that I try so hard no to inflict on anyone), they start your day by waking you to scold you. You did nothing to provoke it except ask, politely, if they can shut their alarm off. The alarm they let ring for hours. But bad you, you didn't realize they were trying to shut it off because you can't see in the dark and they habitually sleep through it. You, who knows better than to do anything to upset them and always treat them with kindness. Which they know and tell others how kind you are. But they just know that you, who have no history of being confrontational, did this just to piss them off. 

3) Narc is entitled to attack because they felt "defensive" when they have offensive all morning. They say (in this freaking irritating and patronizing way, as if expecting some kind of damn drum roll) "I felt defensive." As if that explains why they attacked you@#$%! Oh, well excuse me, your Lordship. What you are expected to take from this passive-aggressive comment is that you put them on the defensive. Shame on you. Why should you expect to be treated any differently, duh.  Christian narc mind you, which comes to next one. 

4) Christian narc who fully believes in confession of sins without making excuses, makes excuses for their behavior all the blasted time. There are protected sins, to which the laws of repentance do not apply, evidently. 

5) They don't attack, you just provoked it. So which is it, you attacked or you were provoked? Either way, you still attacked. 

6) I attack when you just stay quiet. They have just yelled at you for something you didn't do. Then when you opt to grey rock (stay quiet, not silent treatment, just short simple answers) you are pouting, holding grudges, being unforgiving, not backing down, etc. 

7) They aren't sorry but you have to forgive. They don't back down or only nominally, not really. Because if you respond in any way, they're on the attack again. But you must forgive and by their definition which means completely overlooking whatever they did and  just pasting that smile on and acting like nothing happened. Funny thing is you often do that. And that's one way they got so entitled to keep on acting  this way. 

8) They're very concerned about how they feel but couldn't care less about they made you feel. They pout, sulk, throw little tantrums and pity parties. It's nauseating. But then get all cold and clinical if you try to explain how you feel in response to their behavior. 

9) Subjective with themselves, objective with you. They take every little thing personally that is not and then go on very personal attacks and accuse you of being over-sensitive. Translation: they don't give AF about what you feel, only themselves. It's all about them, not you. 

10) They feel justified telling others off but get mad when you reasonably object to things they do. They're proud of how they don't let anyone walk on them, then walk all over you and expect you to take it.

11) Or they just change the script. They didn't mean to do anything. It wasn't like that. Or they flat out gaslight you that it never happened. You're imaging it or finding fault. Even when you calmly just try to work for resolution by sharing your point of view. You don't get  a point of view till they tell you what it is. 

It is exhausting. 

One essential tool in dealing with narcissistic dark tetrad abuse

 Hi friends. The more I explore how narcissistic parent abuse damages us, the more extensive I realize it is. Here's one thing to do (or not do) when dealing with narcissistic, dark tetrad abuse. This is important for dealing  with any kind of narcissistic abuse (bullying, manipulation, exploitation, cruelty, harassment, humiliation, gaslighting) from anyone. And that is, quite simply, don't give away the farm. 

Lol, I'll explain. What I mean is don't be too quick to back down, forgive, kiss and make up, etc. Stand your ground. Those of us who have been traumatized by bullying dark tetrad parents, want nothing more than to be accepted (by people who will never accept us, but it takes awhile to realize that). So whenever THEY hurt US, WE grovel to please THEM, the abusers. We apologize (for things they did to us), roll over, placate, humor, make excuses for and basically give away the farm. Anything to please them. 

We forgive them before they're even sorry. And they're never sorry. Not really. Because these people know the narcissist song (Dayna Craig)  by heart. 

That didn't happen.

And if it did, it wasn't that bad.

And if it was, that's not a big deal.

And if it is, that's not my fault.

And if it was, I didn't mean it.

And if I did, you deserved it.

(I always add another verse) If you didn't, you have to forgive me. Bible says. (Oh they know their "rights" for sure, especially the "Christian" narcs. )

Small prob with forgiveness though. They aren't sorry. They willfully went out of their way to hurt (shame, humiliate, invalidate) because they're entitled to. And God says (there's no arrogance like Christian narcissists) YOU have to forgive them for any and all. They don't stop to explain how both could be true, they're not at fault but you have to forgive them? If they're not at fault, what's to forgive? 

Well friends, that's just part of the completely self-centered world of narcissism. It's all about them and what they deserve and have a right to at your expense. Basically they have every right to break things and you have to fix them. They deserve unconditional love, respect and loyalty while they are disrespectful, disloyal and unloving. 

Narcissists don't control themselves then try to control you. They will do insanely hurtful things on purpose and then feel fully justified in telling you how you have to act. Remember, it's all about them.  And you, being a nice person, do forgive them, kiss and make up, etc. And do they change? Nah, they've got you right where they want you, taking all the responsibility for the relationship, being the adult, making "good choices" while they behave like immature chimpanzees throwing feces all over the place. And you just keep taking it all on yourself. You feel, because they gaslight you into feeling, guilty and the cause of the problem, etc. Well, the gas lady's here to turn off the gas.  

So it is true, they can act how they want and you can't control that BUT it is also true that you can also act how you want. They don't control you, or the  narrative. You don't have to be perfect. You don't have to stick around. You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. You can get mad and stay mad. You can leave. You can go no contact. In a chronically abusive situation, you can be as unforgiving as you want. That's between you and God. 

Because, and this is important, they drew first blood, against God and you. And yes, it does matter who started it. That's not being petty like they tell you. You're not "keeping score" or ""holding grudges" or any of the other narcissistic bullshit they try to feed you. And even if you were keeping score, they'd win hands down for number of times they started shit. Because not only did they start this one, they always start it by provoking, raging, shaming, sulking, demanding, blowing things out of proportion, lying, etc. They pick fights. 

And their behavior is not just between them and God. Because they are hurting you too. You staying mad (strong), not giving in, etc is only you trying to find the healthiest way to deal with it. And that may look a little non-traditional. It may not look Biblical, to someone who hasn't had to deal with it. You may get some questioning or judgement. Well, let them deal their situations as they see fit. You do you. You didn't ask for any of it. 

Probably your response is actually healthier and closer to real forgiveness which is just accepting (not approving) that what happened, happened, than any sugary benediction or blessing or whatever these people envision forgiveness to be. That looks more like approval of abuse and permission to continue it. Which is good for no one. 

If you stand up for yourself, be ready for the deluge. These people are good at what they do. They have an arsenal of weapons in their tiny, narrow minds. They will rant on about all you're supposed to do: be the bigger person, rise above (you know how I hate that one!), let go and let God, let it go, don't be so dramatic, don't exaggerate, they were just kidding, you're too sensitive, self-righteous gobbledygook. They are very good at telling others how they should behave without ever actually behaving that way themselves. 

Because even if you did just once start something, oh be sure they will attack with both barrels and blindside you. No matter how benign it was. They were laying for you, just waiting to ambush you. You will neither hear nor see any of the moral virtues they were shoving on you. They hold grudges to their graves. Forgiveness is what they deserve, not you. How dare you be the aggressor! That their job! Because they aren't really Christians who follow God. They just weaponize the bits they like, as they do everything else, to get their way. 

And then they will really be on their high horses. Because now it's a "two way street" and you're just as much at fault. Narcissists love to minimize all their abuse into a "difference of opinion" and maximize anything you do to treason and heresy! You're "picking a fight" or "bringing it on yourself" or some other nonsense. Do not believe it. Put your gasmask on and ignore it. 

Do not roll over to forgive, even if they should decide to apologize. You can be pretty sure it won't be heartfelt, but just a ploy to get you to apologize so they can retain their imaginary moral high ground. They'll say they want to call a truce when there never was a fight. It was a one-way attack you had no part of. They just want to make you look like the bad guy or as bad as them. 

Because let's look at what you'd accomplish if you just forgave (exonerated, excused) them and moved on? Won't that make it better? For a few minutes or a day, maybe. But then they'll be right back to their old tricks with a vengeance. Take it from someone with a lifetime habit of rolling over. It won't get better but worse.  It will encourage them and reinforces their arrogant ideas of ubermensch above-it-all-ness. 

Might I suggest that instead of jumping to "make peace" you remember that you didn't disrupt it in the first place? They will gaslight you and say "oh don't let it ruin the day." Well, you didn't ruin it. You're just leaving the mess they made. You're keeping it real, taking care of yourself. They created the problem, first last and always. But it's up to you to decide what you want to do about it. AND that should be what's healthiest for you. I'm not saying staying mad will lead to the best outcome for you. But then what I'm describing isn't staying mad as such. It's standing firm. Which I can assure you will lead to a better outcome than taking all the brunt on yourself. 

Especially if you realize that you are probably not angry. That's their shame word for it.  (Hilarious when you consider that they are anger-saturated rage-o-matics!) What you probably are is frustrated, discouraged, running on fumes and beaten down. That's a whole nother animal. And if you want solid spiritual counseling on what to do in the situation, an hateful, arrogant, vindicative narcissist probably isn't your best source. 

Pretty much all they say is nonsensical, hypocritical, scornful, dismissive, self-righteous hogwash. So if you need someone to give you permission to turn a deaf ear, please, make my day and let it be me! Learn a trick called grey-rocking. It's not giving the silent treatment (though they will accuse you of that). Stony silences ends up being pouty and sullen and it won't feel good. 

Grey-rock is just keeping them at arms length (growing long arms), staying casual, keeping busy and out of their way, considering the source and letting it go in one ear and out the other. It's about observing not absorbing. And not letting them goad you. Even if they're trying to engage you, wait till you are ready and it doesn't feel like baiting. 

I've got a lot more to write about this and I'm learning right along with ya, my sisters and brothers! 

One critical thing CPTSD sufferers should NEVER do with dark tetrad parents

 Hi friends. Adult child of dark tetrad parents here with more thoughts on healing the CPTSD they cause. I was traumatized by four parents (two bio and their partners they said were my parents but where actually my taskmasters). I'm going to share one critical thing that kids or adult kids struggling with CPTSD must NEVER do with dark tetrad parents. And that thing is one of the very things that children should be able to do with their parents. But everything with them is twisted, including normal things most kids take for granted. 

And I say one thing but there are hundreds of normal things dark tetrad (exploitative, malicious, bullying, self-centered) parents fubar for their kids. So this in one deadly thing not to do in an ocean of deadly things. And that is to confide in them. To share private things with a dark tetrad is to douse yourself in gasoline and light a match. 

Before you say it, I know what you're thinking. WTH? Kids are supposed to share with their parents. We teach them to. That's our job as parents to be there for them. I know, right? That's what I mistakenly thought too. That's how I parented my kids. Not perfectly, no one is. And parents may not always respond in an optimal way. 

They might tell the kid to be honest and then get mad. That's human nature. And a  healthy parent will calm down and apologize.  A dark tetrad on the other hand, uses it against the child. With fake sweet assurances they lure the child into sharing something and then mock her for it. Or punish her. They announce a child's most private, intimate sharing at the dinner table. And to relatives at gatherings. They may as well take out an effing billboard. 

Why do they do this? Secrets are bargaining chips for them. A child's trusted confidences are tools to blackmail her with. Even simple things like "I wet my pants at school" become weapons to shame the child. Because dark tetrads are full of darkness, their secrets are dark and dirty. They gaslight the child into believing hers are too. 

What the child's usually are, are someone else's dirty secrets she's keeping for them. Or they are consequences of dirty things that have been done to her by parents and the dangerous people they bring into her life. If the confidence is upsetting in some way, the parents are usually responsible. But the deceitful parent blows it up into something horrible the child has done wrong and is at fault for. 

It's not just awkward things you can't share with dark tetrads. It's anything. Good news, a success you've had, an innocent thing that happened, everything has a dark value to them. Everything can be exploited and twisted into something to hurt you with. They can't be trusted with anything. 

And if you're tempted to think, oh how could this cause problems? Surely I can share this and it will be good for both of us. Well, be ready. They're not called dark for nothing. They have wells of dark toxins from which to draw. And they're masters of the long game. They'll stew on things for years, concocting ways to punish you. Then pull them out when you're vulnerable and you won't see it coming till they've gotcha'd you. 

And probably not even then. You'll just be left reeling in pain and wondering where the actual THAT came from. You may even gaslight yourself that you did something to provoke the attack. You didn't. They just want you to think you did. I mean after all, these are good "Christian" people who would never backstab a loved one?? Yeah they would and regularly. It's their modus operandi. 

So why would they exploit you? They don't love you or anyone. They love themselves and use people. For props, leverage, to pit against someone else they don't like. The list is endless. But don't look for any reasonable reason. That way leads to peril. They want you to overthink what you did or said. They want you to second-guess and blame yourself. 

 We don't want to think that our parents would be so nasty. And we want to believe the best of others. I certainly have. But it comes at our own expense. I've been burned every single time I trusted them. So if you dig for motives, what you will find, as I have, is that they are pathetic, pathologically jealous, small-minded, petulant, hateful, vindictive, spiteful, malicious, deceptive, scheming control freaks. They lie by habit, even it would be in their best interests to tell the truth. 

And don't forget, you do not exist except to serve. So everything about you, your thoughts, ideas, wants, needs, experiences are about them. How they can use it to their advantage. Preferably by screwing you over at the same time. Bonus added.  You are just fodder for their voracious greed, hate and lust for power. They literally feed off you and every time we stoke their furnace, they get bigger. 

So why do we? It begins in infancy. They exploit us as babies, kids, teens and later adults. But we've been so gaslight, shamed and bullied by them that we don't see how treacherous they are. We've been indoctrinated into the cult of mommy and daddy and all the sick weirdos they hook up with. We think we're family and that they care for us like parents. What we don't know is that they view us as extensions of themselves, possessions. We exist to serve their self-serving and twisted ends. 

So I repeat. Do NOT share anything with a dark tetrad parent. It will come back to bite you. Oh they'll pump you for information, for sure. Even things like how much you make or have in the bank. Things they have no right to ask, they will. They'll fake a genuine interest or concern in your health, your grandkids, troubles you're having, anything. They don't care. They're just squirreling away info, like nuts, for future use. 

My mom once exploited my car troubles to sell me a lemon of a car and steal mine. She left me and my kids stuck in a bank drive-thru in that wreck and just pocketed the money she made on my car. So now I answer questions with short vague answers or not at all. Lie if you have to. It's okay because truth with them is too dangerous. I bought a new car with cash but said I had a note on it. Because my mom, true to form, immediately began calculating how much I could give them if I had $ for a new car.  There is no truth in their world, just dark webs of lies. If you're honest, you're just casting your pearls before swine. 

Look to them for nothing. Tell them nothing. If you owe them money, pay it back and get out. Don't borrow any more. Accept nothing. It will be a Trojan Horse. 

How dark tetrad parents weaponize the CPTSD trauma responses they created

Hi friends. Here are some more thoughts on what CPTSD looks like and weird ways narcissistic parent abuse makes a victim act. Today I'm looking at some trauma responses. I'll show how a dark tetrad (self-serving, exploitative, malicious bully) parent weaponizes the very dysfunctional behavior they helped to create. We'll start out with the trauma response of flinching, or the startle reaction. 

We who've been traumatized regularly are on ultra-high alert. We perceive threat everywhere because there always was danger. It may not have been apparent to others but we knew it was waiting.  It wasn't accidental and we weren't prepared for it. It was manufactured by dark tetrads to keep us in subservient fear. 

Instead of protecting us, like normal parents, dark tetrads destroyed our defenses rendering us constantly fearful and helpless. We don't know how to prepare because it comes out of the blue. Dark tetrads love the weapon of ambush. So we get caught off guard and flinch every time. When we hear a loud sound, we hit the dirt, even if it's just a passing car. 

Now you would think seeing us flinch would this would soften our parents' hearts. I felt  no end of sad when I saw my kids or grandkids do it. But no, in fact, they harden theirs. Our flinching pisses them off. I don't know why because I'm not a dark tetrad. I think it's because someone might see us and start to question why we're so jumpy. It reminds them that they've put us through hell and broken us. But do they take any responsibility for us or the mess they've put us in? Not a chance. 

They blame us for being "so dramatic" They tell us to quit showing off or they'll give us something to be afraid of. Mind you, we can no more control these trauma responses than we could stop breathing. THEY conditioned us to do these things. 

My mother got it in her head when I was 7, to start slapping me across the face. She said I got "lippy" with her. I've no idea what she even meant by that. At the time, I just figured I did yet another thing wrong. Nos I look back and remember how people pleasing I was and what a lot of wretched things she did that I overlooked. And I can't think of one thing that would cause me to earn a smack in the mouth. Most likely, knowing her penchant for adopting roles, she'd heard someone complaining of their mouthy kids and decided to cast me in that role and herself as put upon parent. 

Even now, she humiliates me in front of others telling how she had to smack me, but stopped because I "hit her back" once. Or raised my hand to. My mom's never been one to let accuracy get in the way of a good story. I believed I did, for the longest time, till, again, I stopped to really consider this. I never ever accused my mom of any of the wrong she did to me that I should have. I just excused it all. So why would I hit the person I had worked so hard to defend?? 

Answer, I wouldn't. What I probably did, was flinch. And one thing you tend to do when you flinch is to throw up your hands in a startle response. Any real mother would know this. And would NOT weaponize it. (Who's the dramatic one now?) Or I was protecting myself from her oncoming blow. Like shielding your face. But no, mom has to tell it like her big mean daughter hit her mother! Gasp, where are my pearls to clutch! What a bad seed! 

Never once does she admit to throwing the first punch.  Never do we address why she was hitting me in the first place. Now I have slapped my daughter and I admit it. I'm not proud but humiliated and ashamed. I've confessed it repeatedly and told my precious child that  it was ALL my fault not hers. But I thought I was supposed to. 

I did it because my mom said not slapping was "spoiling the child." After all, mom had slapped me and mom is always right, right? Interestingly, my mother has now flip-flopped on that. She saw what she said were red marks on my daughter's face and decided to punish me for doing what she had taught me to do. Funny she never bothered with how many red marks she left on my mouth and face. 

She told my children not to tell me and my husband (dark tetrads love secrets) but she was planning to call the police on me for child abuse. She has had run-ins with CPS but I hadn't. So I guess she was punishing me for her bad choices too.  My kids (God love 'em) said "err, you hit mom, Grama." 

The one with the supposed red mark said she was always mouthy and deserved it (she was but didn't, and I would never tell her she did, even if I did get mad and slap her. Just saying). My mother lied to their faces and said she had NEVER hit me once. And that daughter was just protecting me, her abusive mom. 

But lest you think my mother did all this because we were in some kind of fight, no. Or that I antagonized her in some way, no. I've only covered for her. Never confronted. She did this is the most passive-aggressive, smile-to-my-face-stab-me-in-the-back, underhanded way possible. And I DIDN'T SEE IT COMING. 

Situation was we were effectively homeless having just sold our mobile home to buy a house that was about to be condemned. It had been trashed in the interim between us seeing it at the current tenant moving out. We'd let her stay till her Habitat House was ready but the landlord, our church, hadn't checked up on her. We were struggling just to afford it and I was hustling to get it livable. I had four young kids. And I had just lost a stillborn baby. 

I was at my wits end and my old demon suicide was howling. Demons that my mom and dad had put on me, him by constantly threatening me with it and her by dumping his threats on me. Anyway, I didn't want to leave my kids like my dad wanted to leave me. I wanted to do better and get better for all of us. So I checked myself into a psychiatric hospital day program. 

My husband was working two jobs and my mom had volunteered to watch the kids (very rare and always leveraged for guilt). She was a little to quick to drive me to the hospital and told them some lies which exaggerated my behavior. At one point they asked her to step out of the room and asked me for the real story. 

I told them and they said it sounded like I needed a rest from her, as much as anything. A counselor told me that based on my brief stories, my mom sounded delusional, narcissistic and spiteful and that I had far too high a pain tolerance. So I did my course, found that it was PMD as much as anything, causing it. 

But my mother was busy conniving behind the scenes. She had both created the suicidal feelings and shamed me for them. You know the drill: mommy is nuts so we better put her away so you're safe from her and hero grama will take you. So  here's me trying my utmost to be mom to my kids while grama dearest is undermining me every step of the way. And  here's me thinking she's helping. 

And then I come home to four crying kids terrified that Grama is going to take them away from mama and daddy. I found out later that she said all these things behind my back, and that she and her husband who had routinely abused me, and whose other child was killed due to their negligence, were planning to file for custody of my kids. All while showing me her fake-caring "Christian" face. When I was struggling just to survive and not perpetuate the shit they'd put me through. 

I told you this shit comes from out of the blue with these dark tetrads. And yet, not. Oh to the victim it comes from nowhere but, in their heads it's deserved. They've been storing things up against you. Not things you did, but things they said you did. Lies, distortions, gaslighting, inventions,  twisted, trumped up stuff. 

They've been playing a long game and they're out for your blood. You didn't do anything to get revenge for. If anything you were too functional despite their torture and you made them look even worse by comparison. But they don't' need a reason. They're sick, deviant sadists who like to punish. And they, sickest of all, use God as an excuse for their vengeful spite. He supposedly called for the attack. 

So they bide their time till you're at your most vulnerable and them, BAM! Gotcha! You never see it coming and the shock takes your breath away. Then they gaslight you that you're imagining it or you brought this on yourself. They never explain how both could be true but you're in too much pain to think of that. You forget that it was their abuse that caused all this in the first place. 

A direct kick in the solar plexus would hurt less. 

Later I'll share what woke me up to this. 

. . 

What CPTSD from dark tetrad parent abuse looks like

Hello my friends. Last month I covered some of the many normal things dark tetrad parents fubar for their kids. And there are more, but some are just too sick to write about. Maybe I will later, but for now, I haven't the stomach. So starting in April, I am writing a series on what it's like to live with CPTSD (complex or childhood post-traumatic stress disorder). Mine came from being raised by four narcissistic dark tetrad parents (two bio and their new spouses whom I used to call stepparents but now don't). Today we explore what CPTSD looks like from the outside and then why that is from the inside. 

Fearful, jumpy, cringing CPTSD is an emotional disorder but it's physical as well. Many of the scars are internal but there are external ones too. Ever see someone who seems inordinately jumpy and nervous? Does she fawn-smile, laugh at everyone's jokes no matter how stupid, smooth feathers a lot, apologize for everything and nothing and hunch herself into the smallest space possible? There's a good chance she's got childhood trauma issues. CPTSD sufferers have lived with constant firing on. They have lived in war zones not homes. They've been everyone's target. Does we look ridiculous, nearly wetting ourselves when a balloon pops? If you said yes, then maybe you should try living our lives. See how strong and brave you are. 

Subservient, acquiescent, cowering We get accused of being cowardly suck ups. Usually by big strong  gun-slinging men who fancy themselves fearless. Or good "Christian" women who self-righteously and condescendingly accuse us of lacking faith. And who obviously have not lived with the shit we have. All we know is placating, groveling and people pleasing (or attempting to, no one in our lives was ever is). It was dangerous as hell not to agree to everything. I lost my home when I came in an hour late. Think of what would happen if I'd stood up to them. By 7, I'd been through things that most adults only see in horror movies. And I had no weapon strapped to my side. So hell yeah we suck up. We had to use whatever was at hand to survive. And that was our rigid, groveling hoop-hopping. So we're adults now? So what? Outgrowing this fear is nigh on impossible. 

Shame-face We look embarrassed, uncomfortable and worn out, because we are. We exhausted from constantly being "on call" to dark tetrad parents. We're ashamed of being such failures and let downs to our parents. We have been routinely humiliated by adults and placed in invidious, awkward and dangerous situations with creepy people. We've seen our parents do shockingly immoral, irresponsible and disturbing things. We've been left alone to just cope with no help. We're afraid to admit that any of this goes on. We've been gaslit to think that no one will believe us. We've been told we're liars that exaggerate to show off. Or that we're disloyal if we don't keep mommy's and daddy's (stepmommy's , mommy's boyfriend's) dirty secrets. We take all their ick on us like it's us doing it not them and our fault, not theirs. 

Too others-focused We treat others like royalty and ourselves like crap. We kick ourselves to the curb if you tell us to. Since we took on all our parents' crap we take on everyone else's too. We bend ourselves to buffer and humor. We cushion the from fallout of your actions. We feel guilty for your bad choices and take punish for them. We don't know where you stop and we begin. We lay down so you can walk over us. We are all for you, even if none is for us. We ask all the time "are you okay?" and agonize over anything we may have done to offend you. If you are a dark tetrad, we're putty in your hands. Fortunately, I've landed with new people who don't take advantage and who are trying to help me see how dangerous this is for me to do. 

Too patient then BLAM! We take and take and take crap and give and give and give good.  We absorb and internalize others' shame and guilt till we're saturated and spilling over. We have emotional leprosy and can't feel pain till we've damaged ourselves. And sometimes not even then. That's because all we feel is pain so we don't know what it is anymore. We don't dare admit, let alone show the intense frustration we feel. So it bottles up and then a random thing pushes it up and out. We blow up and dysregulate. But since no one sees the provocation from years of silent suffering, it looks like we're just idiots. We get ridiculed and shamed. We look out of control because we are. Others have pirated control of our lives and keep us dancing on strings that we don't see. When they pull too hard, the string snaps. And we lose it all over the shop. And then feel even more guilty and sorry and pathetic. 

If any of this sounds attention-seeking, well, just you come on over and give our lives a try. You'll see how real it is. I wouldn't wish CPTSD on my worst enemy if I even had one. No one asks for this kind of pain. Even a masochist would run screaming. 

Controversial ways God is helping me heal from narcissistic abuse, explained

 Hi friends. In my last post, I said that God is or may be showing me a shocking way to heal the CPTSD I developed from a lifetime of dark tetrad parent abuse. It's shocking because, I don't think I've ever heard or read of anyone saying anything like this before. And it sounds heretical. What it seems God is saying is that because my childhood and innocence was stolen by selfish, narcissistic, manipulative, cruel (dark tetrad) parents, God may be giving it back to me now as an adult. He may not be holding me accountable for sin as if I were a child again, because it was put on me too young. For a Christian, it will definitely be controversial. But let me explain some further insight I was given which I think will clarify. 

My parents did not care for or parent me except in a very cursory way, but also conversely force me to parent them when I was a child. I had to pamper fragile egos, pacify and humor immature demanding adults as if they were fussy babies. I had to figure out how to solo navigate dangerous situations while most kids were learning to ride bikes. They leave me alone for days and then remember I was around and start issuing commands. They would literally pout, like whiny, spoiled brats and I'd rush in to fix, like a hover mother. When I was 7. 

I forced to grow up without ever being allowed to be young. Me being a child seemed to anger them as if I was infringing on their right to be children and not the other way around. Me doing childish things was deemed selfish. It angered them and I was severely punished for doing things every kid did. 

But weirdly, they also didn't care what dangers they subjected me to. I was ignored and left on my own at 4 or 5. But if I did anything they disapproved of, while I was unsupervised, there was hell to pay. How I was supposed to cope or behave on my own was never explained. Only when I transgressed their unspoken rules did I feel their wrath. 

Using weapons of neglect, abuse, abandonment and endangerment, they crippled my coping skills. They made it seem self-centered to even consider myself in anything. When I was six, they moved us to Alaska, to be "missionaries," my dad took off for parts unknown, leaving us alone. No family income, no job, no home. Then my mom, who had been having affairs and leaving me to wander down in the bowery, took us to a remote island and then left me, while she went God knows where. So I was alone with strangers, thousands of miles from family. When she came back she announced she was divorcing my dad. When I asked what would happen to me, she got angry that I would even think of worrying about myself and not her. 

Those terrifying experiences, have shell-shocked me and left me completely vulnerable. I had no help from anyone. Not even God, it seemed. They made themselves gods to me and destroyed my understanding of the real God. They didn't tend to me but made me serve them and told me that this was how I was to serve God. They made me responsible for their bad choices, with blame shifting, enmeshment, triangulation, gaslighting and exploitation. It seems He's taking me back to a pre-accountability state, until we can retrain me in a healthier understanding of sin and responsibility. 

Consequently, I don't  know right from wrong. I was indoctrinated by four very self-righteous preachy-religious narcissists, to think that evil was right for them to do (immorality, adultery, fornication, infidelity, child neglect and abandonment, divorce and remarriage, lying, deception, stealing, scamming) and good was wrong for to do (self-care, protection). And bad for me was good for them (exploitation, endangerment, abuse, inviting in new people to hurt and exploit me). 

I've never been able to relate to much of anything that other kids had or did. Now as an adult I still struggle to fit in or comprehend their lives. Christianity particularly doesn't make sense in my heart. Everything I do is an assumed role, with no life material to work from. I imitate others because I have no experience from my own life to draw on. Sermons, homilies, scripture readings aren't relatable because nothing in my life fit the patterns they describe. 

I don't struggle with disobedience, sloth, immorality, selfishness, greed, pride or arrogance like, apparently, others do. But not for healthy reasons. Because it was far too dangerous to do any of these things. The gods in my life were terrifyingly vengeful. I only got confused and thought I did because parents were putting their sins on me. And I learned to absorb them as mine. I don't even get angry when I should and yes there is a time for that and a way to do it. 

The time is when there are hurtful things being done, that people, including myself, need protection from. The way to do it, I'm learning, is to speak up in love. To get the injured parties away from the perpetrators. And that would also include me. But I don't move away from pain. That, I was told, was selfish. I let people hurt me because I've learned it's what I deserve. And when I get mad, it's out of exhaustion. I've been worn down and used up and I'm trauma responding. 

Am I saying it's okay for me not to follow the rules of God, that they don't apply? I think so. Because I don't understand them in the correct way. Am I saying it's someone else's fault every time I do wrong. No but it's not mine either. I don't willingly get angry. I have to be pushed to it. And I let people drain my resources in unhealthy ways. I don't speak up and say enough is enough. I only lose it when I've lost everything. 

See, dark tetrads pirate your everything. They take the helm in your life. They strip you of everything. But they still expect you to behave as if you have control and the necessary resources. And shame you when you don't. So I have all the expectations with none of the resources. I'm expected and I expect myself, to make bricks without straw, clay or water. Or even the knowledge of how to do so or the strength to do it. I'm in the danger zone with all lights flashing buzzers sounding, all the time. 

And then layer on all that, the endless double standards I was held to. I was told  that normal things that I saw everyone else doing, including my parents, were wrong for me. And other people's burdens were mine to carry as the scapegoat. When they did wrong, I was told it was my fault. So I had to shoulder all these trumped up sins plus everyone else's. Any real sins I may have committed got all mish-mashed into this toxic demon brew. 

I could never sort out what was real and what was invented, what was mine and what was not. Consequently, I don't really know right from wrong. I certainly don't know what's safe for me and what's dangerous. I wouldn't know a red flag or a safety precaution if it hit me over the head. I'm all enmeshed in them, their issues and their lives. I don't exist except to serve. 

I've been told all this was God's will, so needless to say, I've been both scared shitless of God. I'm uncomfortable with any talk of him because all I can see are my parents. Which is no basis for a relationship. I don't think it's what He wants. But I am conditioned do it. I could no more stop my pulse that to stop these responses. 

So I think God is coming at it from another angle.  I believe God might be putting me in a protected status of early childhood, again, because I missed that step. And it's one that can't be missed to grow to adulthood. I think He's rewinding to the part before all this happened.  He's going to have to go pretty much back to the beginning of the tape. Because I can't recall a time when it wasn't like this. 

I think that temporarily, till we can sort this mess out, I might not be being held accountable. Till I can learn to understand what is my fault and what I can fix. And what's not. What is my sin to feel remorse for, confess and do penance for. And what isn't. Because things can't go on as they stand. I'm feeling guilty and ashamed of pretty much everything that others in my world do. And they've been quick to let me take that on myself. They're pretty limited in the personal responsibility dept as it is. And someone like me who takes on others' problems as her own is meat and drink to them. 

Maybe what God is giving me, is a do-over. A chance to see the real Him not the fake one in the mask. I think He's saying, "Hi, I'm God. I don't believe we've met." And only till I get unstuck from the lies that my parents were the only deities in my life, will I be able to take charge of what is and isn't mine.  It's not so much that He's making me not accountable for what I do, but what others' have done and blamed me for. I think He's also helping me see that things I thought were sins, weren't. I was just told they were by people for whom it was convenient to have me believe this. 

Is there the chance that I will take advantage of this? I'm guessing that's a chance God's willing to take. I know if I, being very imperfect, give my children and grandchildren endless chances, He, being perfect, probably can too. And there's not much chance of me suddenly being irresponsible now anyway. I've been too responsible. Yes, that's possible. And very dangerous for my wellbeing and for others who exploit that. 

It's the Serenity Prayer with some additions. God grant me the serenity to accept what I can't change, which is other people. But also the self-care skills to get out of their path. And the vision to see what I don't have to change because it's not mine to change. To see the double standards and quit playing the game.  And not only the courage but the strength to change what I can, like my emotional location. To revoke access to my brain and permission for toxic to make a home there, rent free.  To find my voice and use it to speak up. To find my legs and use them to run from dangers. To find my arms to remove the target on my back. To find eyes and ears to see and hear what's happening and what I've turned blind eye and deaf ear to. The wisdom to see how my trauma responses are being fiddled and to slap hands off the switch. To know the difference between mine and thine, between what's sin and what just is, what's love and what's pain, what's God and what's gaslighting.